A new beginning....

Do you ever wake up, look at your life and realize that you don't fit? I don't mean in a big sense, as in the universe, but just in general in your life. We go day to day thinking the path we're on is it. Our permanent chosen course. Then life throws us a completely unexpected curve ball. Change. It shatters this sense of security we had and we become unhinged trying to find our way back. But going back isn't always the right choice. Sometimes in order to move forward we have to abandon our reality, and take a different path, and sometimes that path takes us back where we started.

This is what has happened to me. The path I chose, my moving forward and on with my life path, turned out to be the wrong one. I never imagined that I would move my entire life somewhere only to come right back four months later. But strangely, I am completely ok with this decision. Although it was one I struggled with for the entirety of my stay there. There was a constant battle raging in my mind and my heart. This constant feeling of unsettledness plagued me each day. I always felt like I didn't belong. I always lacked peace which is so important to me! So each day I searched for it. I looked for it in friends, in church and work. I wasn't finding it. I don't think I have ever spent so much time in prayer on a day to day basis. Crying out to God to show me where I was supposed to be.

In this time I had to learn to be patient. Waiting through every day for my answer to come, afraid that if I blinked I would miss it. Then early one morning I got in my car and drove back home. Rays of sun barely escaping through the clouds, the rush of traffic behind me, just open road and an open heart. Open to possibility and an awakening I had been waiting for, for so long. The sun surrounded my car, tears falling down my cheeks because I had my answer. At last the peace that I had been yearning for was upon me. A smile stretched across my face and I breathed deeply as I took in the moment. This moment, where everything changed.

I am still pursuing my love and passion for photography, now more so than ever. I discovered through all of this that I didn't need to be in Vancouver to be a photographer; I just needed to be there to realize it. If it took moving my entire life there just to come to this conclusion than thank goodness I did it. I have always known that photography had to be a part of my life, I just didn't know that it was meant to be here all along.

I guess that's the way life keeps you guessing and keeps things interesting. We can never know what's going to happen or what to expect. But, we can expect to be surprised. I hope that I am constantly surprised by life, because it's surprises have gotten me to this point. I love that I can look back on this time, even though it was painful and smile because the outcome was far greater than I could have ever imagined. So as I close this chapter of my life I realize now more than ever that there are no endings, only new beginnings.

And so it begins...

The day has arrived. Even after almost two years of planning and dreaming about this day, I still can't quite believe it's here. I have become very comfortable with the idea of photography school, but not so much the reality. I think this is in part due to the fact that I have been waiting for this day to come for so long now. I have imagined what I would feel on this day but I didn't think it would be what I'm feeling now.

I've lost my excitement and enthusiasm. Months ago this was all I could think about, but now that I'm here, I feel indifferent. Fortunately I can pinpoint the major reasons as to why I feel this way. First of all, I received a phone call this weekend that I may lose my job. After struggling through two awful jobs to get to this one, it feels like someone has ripped the ground from under me. I love this job. I like the people I work with and that it's walking distance from my house. The reason I may lose this job if you can believe it, is photography school. I may lose my job because of my dream to become a photographer. It seems surreal. My school schedule interferes with his office hours. I had never in my wildest dreams imagined that my school starting at 6:30pm would disrupt a doctors office. Unfortunately, it does, and the two days of the week he wants me to work, I can't work one of them simply because I have class. We tried to work things out, but there doesn't seem to be a solution. In case they need holiday relief I can't work two out of the five office days later than 5:30 because of my school commitments.

Secondly, and this seems so ridiculous, but I'm afraid of failing. Because I have wanted this for so long, I can't imagine coming all the way here, going through all of this and having it be for nothing. I think deep down I know it won't be that way, but sometimes I wonder that maybe this isn't what I want to do. I know all of these doubts and insecurities stem from my anxiety and nerves about something new.

I was getting used to the idea of settling into life here, but things keep changing and I'm finding it hard to find some consistency. But, there is only one thing that can be consistent in my life, God. Which out of everything I would say is a pretty great consistency. He walks with me everywhere I go, not once leaving my side. This is the greatest comfort out of everything. Knowing that He is here with me, even right now as I type this.

I have always struggled with the unknown. I fight myself to know what's going to happen or how I can change it, only to find out time and time again that I am powerless. Life will unfold as it will, according to God's plan, and no amount of worrying on my end is going to change that, but yet I do anyway. I suppose I am only human and should give myself some credit, but I do need to trust God more. I need to open up my life to the endless possibilities in front of me. I need to embrace this day and not take it for granted. While I can do anything I could dream of, most people don't have these opportunities. I really don't want to look back on this day and feel like I missed out because I spent so much time worrying.

So, I will do the only thing I can. Give these feelings of fear and doubt over to God. Trust Him to lead me in the right direction. All things are planned, and God doesn't make mistakes. So, if I lose this job, God will provide a better one. If I don't do well in photography school, God will open my eyes to a new dream. Although, I really don't see the latter happening. Not because I am arrogant but because I truly love it. All things are in His hands now. Each moment that has passed me by was God breathed, so how can I not believe that things will work out.

One day at a time, that's all we can do. There's no rushing the future, just living in the now and simply taking in every moment as it happens. By Wednesday I think I will be in a very different place. Because by Wednesday I will have had my first class and received the phone call about whether I will still have a job on Thursday. So until then, if you have read this, say a little prayer for me.

Today everything changes. Tonight is where it all begins.

Never alone.....

Do you ever think about where you fit? Do you ever feel lost?

Each day is an unanswered question, an unsolved problem. Dreams are followed, forgotten and achieved. Secrets are shared and lost. Friendships end and begin. Everything is changing. There are few constants...but, there is one. My one constant.....Jesus. Through everything that I face in my life, from pain and heartache to joy and excitement......He is there. He is ALWAYS there. Sometimes I need Him more than others. Sometimes I think I can do this on my own. Which in actuality is laughable because there is no way. I am a human, I am imperfect, I am flawed and more often than not I am incredibly selfish. I don't think this makes me a bad person but I do think in my weakness, He is made stronger. I know with an unshakable certainty that my life would be incredibly insignificant and completely worthless if I couldn't wake up each morning, breathe in and out, and know that He is with me. Each step, each breath.....always there.

So, yes, sometimes I feel like I don't fit. I feel lost and confused and completely exhausted trying to find my place in this world. My mind is whirring with questions in desperation to be able to grab hold of something. Something tangible. Something that matters.

Then it's the end of the day and I have no choice...... I finally have to let it all go. Let go of wanting to have control. Let go of thinking I have all the answers.....and that's when it happens. That's when I hear Him say, "You are NOT alone." Release. I can breathe. I am once again reminded that He is ALWAYS there. Not there in the beginning, or there in the end, but all the way through.

I am human. I am imperfect. I am flawed. I am loved. I am NEVER alone. YOU are NEVER alone.

3 Weeks!

In the beginning time passed by very slowly. Each day seemed longer than the last. Now, the time is flying and I can't quite believe it has been 3 weeks already. In this short time I have managed to find a job, a great group of young adults and a sense of belonging here. I'm not quite sure I can be so bold as to say I feel right at home yet, but this is one of those things that takes time and can't be rushed. A person can live in the same place for 20 years and still not feel at home. I do not wish or want that for myself. I truly want to feel at home here.

I make a point of waking up everyday and thanking God for all of the blessings in my life. For instance, I have a place to live, food to eat, clothes, I'm healthy, I have a job and most importantly I'm finally following my dreams. Another thing that really excites me is that I don't use my GPS as much anymore. This may seem trivial to most, but to me it shows an effort to make Burnaby home. To learn the streets where I live and feel confident enough to venture out without it.

Day to day, I have felt much more at peace about my decision to move here. I don't believe God just brought me here to go to school, I also believe it was to renew my relationship with Him. I had really lost sight of God in the last few months before I left and didn't focus on Him until I needed Him. This is not to say I didn't want to be close to Him, I was just too busy thinking about the move. But ever since I got here things have been amazing! I feel so connected to His voice and feel closer to Him than I ever have. He is daily showing me how much He loves me, and it could be the tiniest thing, but to me, it shows how much He cares. There is purpose and plan in everything God lays before us, it may be difficult and extremely challenging at times, but it ultimately makes us stronger and draws us one step closer to God's true plan for us.

I'm still not sure exactly where and what I am suppose to be doing day to day, but each day is easier. I am going to choose to trust no matter what happens. I have already been through the hardest part of my move which was the settling in. I didn't think I would get through it, but now I feel so much stronger because I did. Experience is something I really value and I can always take so much from what I have been through. I see a strength in myself I didn't know existed and a real sense of determination. I am a fighter for better or worse. Each day will get better and better and soon enough I might even be so bold as to call this place...home.

The "settling in" period.......

Well, I'm here in my new place. I just spent my first night here last night. I think it was silly of me to think that this part would be somewhat easy. I guess what I'm feeling is a mix of homesickness and isolation. I feel so lonely, because unlike at home I can't just go to my mom or walk to a friends. But there is a presence here of love and peace and the only one that could be is Jesus. I can feel him everywhere around me, I just find it hard to stay in that place.

I keep letting these negative thoughts enter my head, for example, "You're never going to make friends here." This I know to be a lie because if you have met me you know I am not a shy person and I won't ever be the one to sit out of something on that account. Then I hear, "This feeling will never go away." I simply have to read an encouraging email from my mom and those feelings start to dissipate. I am here for a reason. I have never had to embark to a strange place by myself before. I usually have someone with me. But, there is my mistake again because I am not alone. I do have someone with me.

I shared this with a few people, but God spoke to me last weekend when we were moving me down. He said, "Sarah, you and I are about to get a lot closer!" What a wonderful thing to hear! I read my Bible for the first time in months last night, and went to bed for the first time in months feeling somewhat at peace even with all of the chaos around me.

Things keep malfunctioning like my computer. The speakers won't work for me to hear my music and my monitor is stuck on it's lowest position and I can't move it higher! But, my monitor is working! I have internet, I can plug headphones into my computer to hear the music and Skype with my parents. I want to choose to see God in every good and bad thing, because He is in everything I do and will be with me in everything I do. I have a tendency to drown in sorrow, but I am and will not be that person anymore! I choose to be positive about everything! I will get through this "settling in" period and then I will look back on this time and smile. Now, I'm not thinking this will happen in a day, but I am willing to trust God that He will be there every step of the way. One day at a time!