I've lost my excitement and enthusiasm. Months ago this was all I could think about, but now that I'm here, I feel indifferent. Fortunately I can pinpoint the major reasons as to why I feel this way. First of all, I received a phone call this weekend that I may lose my job. After struggling through two awful jobs to get to this one, it feels like someone has ripped the ground from under me. I love this job. I like the people I work with and that it's walking distance from my house. The reason I may lose this job if you can believe it, is photography school. I may lose my job because of my dream to become a photographer. It seems surreal. My school schedule interferes with his office hours. I had never in my wildest dreams imagined that my school starting at 6:30pm would disrupt a doctors office. Unfortunately, it does, and the two days of the week he wants me to work, I can't work one of them simply because I have class. We tried to work things out, but there doesn't seem to be a solution. In case they need holiday relief I can't work two out of the five office days later than 5:30 because of my school commitments.
Secondly, and this seems so ridiculous, but I'm afraid of failing. Because I have wanted this for so long, I can't imagine coming all the way here, going through all of this and having it be for nothing. I think deep down I know it won't be that way, but sometimes I wonder that maybe this isn't what I want to do. I know all of these doubts and insecurities stem from my anxiety and nerves about something new.
I was getting used to the idea of settling into life here, but things keep changing and I'm finding it hard to find some consistency. But, there is only one thing that can be consistent in my life, God. Which out of everything I would say is a pretty great consistency. He walks with me everywhere I go, not once leaving my side. This is the greatest comfort out of everything. Knowing that He is here with me, even right now as I type this.
I have always struggled with the unknown. I fight myself to know what's going to happen or how I can change it, only to find out time and time again that I am powerless. Life will unfold as it will, according to God's plan, and no amount of worrying on my end is going to change that, but yet I do anyway. I suppose I am only human and should give myself some credit, but I do need to trust God more. I need to open up my life to the endless possibilities in front of me. I need to embrace this day and not take it for granted. While I can do anything I could dream of, most people don't have these opportunities. I really don't want to look back on this day and feel like I missed out because I spent so much time worrying.
So, I will do the only thing I can. Give these feelings of fear and doubt over to God. Trust Him to lead me in the right direction. All things are planned, and God doesn't make mistakes. So, if I lose this job, God will provide a better one. If I don't do well in photography school, God will open my eyes to a new dream. Although, I really don't see the latter happening. Not because I am arrogant but because I truly love it. All things are in His hands now. Each moment that has passed me by was God breathed, so how can I not believe that things will work out.
One day at a time, that's all we can do. There's no rushing the future, just living in the now and simply taking in every moment as it happens. By Wednesday I think I will be in a very different place. Because by Wednesday I will have had my first class and received the phone call about whether I will still have a job on Thursday. So until then, if you have read this, say a little prayer for me.
Today everything changes. Tonight is where it all begins.